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Confusion

I walk through life in a maze of contradictions and mountains of information all opposing itself.  How am I to make sense out of any of it?  Why is it that there is no truth?  Why does everyone search for the “truth?”

This so-called “truth” in any situation or story or reality is malleable, swaying like a warm piece of taffy being stretched in the wind, sticking to whatever it may bump into for a while until it melts off and goes swinging in another direction.  I guess the saying is real, that the only truth you can count on is that change is constant.

But how can I ever decide what is going to work, if I’m thrown conflicting bones always?  How do I create the skeleton of a dinosaur, when I’m being thrown chicken bones and dog bones and told to get to work with what’s available?

I guess the truth is what you decide to focus on and that can change any minute.  You can try on others’ truths and see how they fit, but there is never any truth that is going to feel comfortable other than your own.

But what if you aren’t sure of your own truth, that because it’s always changing so quickly and taking on the decorations of what others think is your truth, you can’t quite make out what feels right?

Confusion sets in and I can only sit still.  When will these clouds clear up?

Being changeable is supposed to make you well-rounded and flexible, but all it does is confuse me and make me unsure.

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Wolf Totem

Labeling myself a “Highly Sensitive Person,” puts me in the category of, what I would call, a highly charged vibration.  Now, we all want to get to this new, higher level of vibration to keep up with the changing environment, Earth, and Universe, not to mention, all the higher vibrational beings of light and love.  However, this can pose a bit of an uncomfortable sense that feels like a punch in the gut more often than not.

My brain appears to process much more information at a higher speed than is comfortable to the average person, making my reactions to overstimulation and over arousal seem outrageous or irrational to the average person (or, should I say, others who process less information).  And discovering that it’s really OK to know when to step out of highly stimulating situations or to allow myself time alone in nature or in meditation is an awesome concept.

My major totem, in Native American tradition is the wolf.  And perfectly so.  We are so closely related in mannerisms.  I find peace in nature.  I find joy and strength sitting quietly watching my surroundings while mostly becoming one with them and invisible to those who aren’t looking with their heart.  I take in everything around me and quietly process every detail, playing out current events going on around me in all possible outcomes according to my past experience and to those of the infinite future.  I hear/feel your thoughts and feelings and get confused at times.  I worry I might get bit again.  But I am a fierce follower of my beliefs.  I recognize the web of life and take only what I need and demand a general sense of order.  There is plenty of room for you to be what you want and believe what you want, but you can only enter my den with the highest respect for all and a spiritual attitude.  I find deepest peace and inspiration under the moon and stars.  Running gets you there faster.  I walk easily between the worlds and am never out of touch with the ancestors of the last 7 generations.  I see the young as fully capable and do my best to lead by example.  I can heal myself and others who come to me to be healed.

Wisdom comes from the heart and the gut, when I get stuck in my mind, I lose my footing.

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Channeled message during astral travel

I’m the eagle flying above the forest of the world. I have no agenda and I am free to wander the planet I am here and there and every where and I am an going non stop There is no other place I need to be I am going places without stop or why

I am leaving the heavens of the ground to enter the heavens of the sky and and I am taken away by the blue breezes and I have no where I need to be and I am just flowing ever freely and without concern and I am going on non stop

let’s take these wings from the ground and teach them to fly to the heights of the gods and know that there is no wrong and I am writing non stop and I keep going thru the blue I am one with god and I am seeing you through the infinite eyes of the universe

I am standing my ground and blowing through clouds and working to bring unity to the planet

I am blue and grey and I am listening without worrying and without blame or shame and I am flying higher than any sky has ever had any limits to and rising above the clouds and heading straight for those stars

I am blinded by the light of the star that passes by in an hurry and I am flying with the wings of a million angels and I am taken away to heavens of the blue world and I am taken to stars and breathing in the gas of love and infinite being and working non stop I am flying here and there and reaching the deepest mahogany and working quickly to connect to everything

I am wind and sky and blue and working to find you

(Channeled message from Samuel & astral travel, 3/30/12)

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All That Is

It’s been a while since I’ve added anything to this blog, but today I’m going to write out of annoyance.  I guess there are worse ways to take out your frustrations and I am human, after all, so I don’t have to be cheery all the time.

Here’s my question and frustration…even if it should be thought of as a spiritual and philosophical question, looked at from an objective view, however, I cannot fully remove myself from the situation, nor do I find it easy to remove myself from any situation around me, often taking most things that don’t belong to me at all, as personal and directly effecting me.  So anyway, why is it that humankind continuously searches for a god or a higher source outside of themselves?  Why do some of us seek spiritual, medical, and physical healers outside of ourselves, almost sometimes without stopping?  What is it that has drawn us away from our true selves as knowing ourselves as perfectly healthy, happy, and whole?  Why do some of us incessantly seek for more and more answers outside of our own truth?

Everything we seek is right here within.  Everything we want to know or feel or understand is accessible within our own soul, if we would just STOP!  Just stop for 10, 15, 60 minutes, whatever!  We wander around with our mouths in the coffee shops trying to fulfill a desire through a temporary soothing man made elixir, our eyes are in the retail stores always searching out the next new thing that will temporarily make us happy, and our faces glued to screens that constantly divert our attention from the core of our desires.  We get so wrapped up in our worries and fears that we become blind to the magic and miracles happening right around us.  We wait for some perfect time of happiness to arrive at and feel disappointed when the numbers of our ages start rising, yet we haven’t yet reached the place at which we think peace is.

But all we need is right here!  The fact that all your trillion cells are working in functioning order together so that you can read this is a miracle.  The way the sun sets among the clouds, leaving a jungle of purples and pinks in it’s wake has an answer you are seeking.  The power you call upon when you are in desperation, is the same as what resides within you at your core.  When the wind blows your hair in one direction, that’s a message from yourself picked up and created by All That Is.  Because you are a part of All That Is.  All That Is is in everything.

Taking the time to sit in silence and connecting to your All That Is is a practice.  I am still learning it and still finding myself frustrated when I cannot hear my own truth.  But I know it’s there.

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Exposure

Following up on the last post of the two vivid dreams, I had a third, related to my teacher.  Again, it reached to the heights of profoundness in my memory of dreams.  It is one that I can still write about months later because its impact on me ran so deeply that it’s etched in my permanent memory.

There I was, meeting up with my teacher and one of her friends whom I did not recognize in the dream.  They had spent the day out capturing lots of photography when I ran into them.  My teacher was SO delighted with the amount of film she had used and the work she had done.  However, the mood rapidly changed as we were somehow informed that the photographs they had taken were not allowed, they were illegal or prohibited or something along those lines.  The reasoning behind this was never made clear to me, nor who was the one making this decision.

I began to get upset.  I started to feel slightly angry and distraught, because the implications were that the film was to be destroyed before we could ever get a glimpse into the magic of what had been captured.  I could not believe it!  It was as if someone had torn my heart out, knowing how much work and pride had gone into this project by my teacher.  I was devastated, as well, at the thought of the pain that would bring to her.  I did not want her to have to feel that.

To make the scenario even more intriguing, my teacher carried the large wad of film over to me, looked me in the eyes and told me directly that I was the one who would have to destroy it.  Unbelievable.  I felt flooded with dread and pure anguish that I just could not understand.  I desperately did not want to be the one responsible for bringing that kind of misery to someone.  But I was the one who had to tear open that protective packaging keeping the film safe and expose it to the light.  Wow, what powerful imagery this reflected from the reality of accelerated healing I was experiencing in the waking world.  It was understood that I would then be required to place the exposed film in a bucket of clear, still water.

I broke down into a sobbing pile of limp bones at the feet of my teacher, clinging tightly to her left leg in the hopes that she would not put that kind of responsibility upon me.  I felt unable to breathe.  She lovingly and reassuringly put one hand on my back, in a gesture that conveyed the sense that all would be OK.

Shortly after this, I found out my teacher received her MFA in photography and that she is a profound bringer of loving guidance to my life, as well as touching countless others.  I am blessed for this message I received and for having her in my reality, as well.

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What Does Kindness Mean to Me?

Here’s a video that moved me to tears this morning.  Well, it appears many things are moving me to tears today, as I find my mind and life and clogged energies being cleared.  I begin seeing the beauty in things, the happiness of daily tasks because they are no longer seen as a trap or prison, the possibilities that were never available to me before.  And as I welcome more LOVE in…

http://youtu.be/Qc8ZbVcdHpg

As I allow the idea of more self-love and self-compassion, my heart begins to heal.  The hard walls that were up to protect it begin to soften.  I catch myself in mid-thought when I realize the old story I told myself about the state of the world and the victim and lesser quality brand of human I was, is no longer valid.  And it has been only me standing in my own way.

Kindness begins to seep in.  My inner peace that is the true me, is free.

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White Car, White Clouds

For some reason, this mornings’ dreams lead me to remember the amazing gift and undeniably beautiful message I was delivered through a dream from my father.  Over the last year I have come to the realization that my father who died 17 years ago is one of my guardian angels.  There is no doubt in my mind of that.  The mere fact that I survived all the wild days of my life and adventures with minimal harm and few scars, speaks mountains to the fact that I am being guarded with uncommon and extraordinary vigilance (even though I did my best to push its limits and begged to be freed of this world).  No matter what, I come out of every situation unscathed (after some slight recovery time), and usually bored with my “good luck charm” characteristics that my sister used to attribute to me.  I no longer take that quality for granted, of course.

It started with my first experience in connecting with spirit.  It arrived unexpectedly, as I spent a full day in September, 2010 at a health/wellness/spirituality expo.  I attended one of the free hour-long workshops and I don’t even remember the name of it or the women conducting it.  But it was my first experience with a medium.  I’d had a few experiences with psychics before, but this was new.  I was somewhat skeptical that the people she was reading for in the audience were paid actors who they set up to be part of the show.  And I still felt this skeptical feeling even though the validation she was bringing to these people from their dead loved ones was making me cry!  Well, as soon as we started to do a group exercise in grounding and centering and then some psychometry with our neighbor we’d never met before, I felt my father’s presence.  And then I began to realize that the sort of stabbing feeling in my right shoulder where my ugly mole lives was him standing behind me, poke, poke, poking me…like, here I am, pay attention to me, you brat!  Nah, nah, nah, nah!  As he would have done in his jokester manner.  The tears flowed heavily with this major realization!  My father, who I’d nearly denied the energy of even a few thoughts for years and years is now standing right there with me!?!

I pushed it under the mat of my rational mind so I could collect myself and carry on with life, not quite sure what to do with this information.  What was also nice, was that my neighbor that I was practicing psychometry with, got only one image for me, and that was the White Wolf; a symbol that is still significant to me.

Anyway, I believe it was shortly after that expo that I welcomed a momentous gift in the form of a dream from my father.  I took a four-day, what I call, self-cleansing retreat in a cabin in the woods in the western part of the state.  I was free to wander the woods, meditate with nature, study my tarot, and truly unwind.

One night, in the dream, I found myself sitting in the back seat of the last car my dad drove.  It had belonged to my grandmother before that, so it was quite a seasoned machine, but so well made, it never broke down.  It was totally white.  The gi-normous front end stuck out for what seemed like miles and the leather/vinyl interior was totally white.  My father was sitting at the wheel sort of driving, as we were not on any road, we were moving slowly and peaceful through the clouds.  I could not see his face because of the angle from where I was in the back.  I could only see the back of his head and his gigantic smile in the rear-view mirror.

At first, I said, where are we going?  And then I started to cry and become angry, like why won’t he speak to me, why is he teasing me like this?  Next, I asked him, why are you doing this?  I believe I saw a tear run down his cheek even as he continued to smile.

And this is still as fresh in my memory as a real memory would be…perhaps even better preserved, because I have not spoken this or written this too much at all since.

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